#top tier experience thank you for that dr. tingle

[qrovidcore]

i should be allowed to have unlimited money forever because bury your gays is absolutely a book that is just SCREAMING for a film adaptation but absolutely NO studio ever would take the kind of swings at Big Studio Corporate Art that this book takes ever and it does not deserve to be watered down like that. no. give the rights to *me* and give me infinite funding. you have to understand. the way misha’s narration sounds like a screenplay already the fucking vivid descriptions of everything the NEEDLE DROPS THE WAY CHUCK TINGLE GAVE US, THE PEOPLE, A FUCKING SLASHER SCENE OVER A PEPPY 80S POP SONG IN A BOOK LIKE A FUCKING GENIUS, the way the book is already doing SO MUCH with misha being a screenwriter!! the autistic character relating to the world through his craft perspective on this!! it could be so good. understand my vision. imagine this story being told via the medium that it is a meta-commentary about. imagine what you could DO with that if you weren’t a COWARD and just took the meta layers and RAN with them. imagine this love letter to horror films AS a horror film. you HAVE TO UNDERSTAND,

give ME the rights to it let ME adapt it im not a fucking COWARD i wanna rip and tear into the meta of it and throw the gorgeous, vivid brainpictures it keeps giving me up on a screen. and ALSO i want chris pine to play chris oak. to let the joke come full-circle. you understand.

[ridewindingrivers]

Reading old journal entries is such a goddamn mind fuck at times. Other times I sob at the beauty of how happy I felt with every component of my life and how much has changed. I’m going to put this out into the void because it’s helping me to think and remember aspects of life and figure out what the fuck is happening right now (and what I want). Read if you like, it’s a lot to handle, and a very long text post. Sorry, I just needed to time warp and figure out where things went south. You might be upset I put this out there, and it might make your feelings more complicated, but I need this.

Fucking hell, from a post in December 2014, “I really just got to thinking how much I enjoy his company, him as a person; and recognized my yearning for the trail and that I don’t want anyone else by my side except him. Making me laugh, giving me encouragement, teaching my new ways to live outdoors, and sharing the vast wilderness craving with. ... It’s a bonding, friendly, sexing, tender, safe, calming, steady, engaging love. A deeper love.”

That time that Nana caught me snacking in the kitchen and talked to me about how she and Nanu don’t remember too much anymore (this was back in 2014). She sat at the table, put all my rings on, and laughed with me.

The time Dr. R got cancer and we paddled an entire river system together. He is cancer free.

Those times where we buckle down and get shit done. When my ambition is through the roof to the point of being unrealistic and then I’m brought back down to the ground.

Working through hurdles and understanding how to effectively communicate emotions - frustrations, gratitude. Realizing that love can be like that sometimes.

Moving into 2015...

The Duluth trip during spring break - in all its snowy, falling in a ditch, glory.

When I finally came to terms with all the bullshit with my dad. And cried about it at a bar with my best friend. Then drank beers together about it. Thanks L. I remember exactly where we sat, our orientation, and how raw that moment was.

“I crave him and as much as it scares me, it’s so goddamn exciting to have found something so wonderful to share with a very special person.” 

When Dr. Graves approached me at Science on Tap and told me that I have to do what is best for my growth as a scientist and continue to learn from other people.

The Michigan Entomological Society meeting and the Natural History workshops in Maine. <3 There are some good citations in here from the meeting... ooo

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 HUDSON BAY ADVENTURE <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

The flowers and fabulous welcome home sex.

Coming to realize that what makes me happy is having my own space - we haven’t had our own time or space in what feels like a year. That is a problem. 

The fleas at the friend’s house.

Colorado vacation - visiting RMNP and CSU before GRADUATING and moving out of the UP. The worst decision if I’m bein’ real.

Moving into 2016...

Being crammed in a room together with no way to express ourselves or DO OUR OWN THING. “Ever since we moved here, I feel we have been out of sync. One thing the summer and this past fall has taught us is that had it MADE when we were living at the Longyear apartment.” - still tru; maybe this is where things started to unravel....

The breakdown. The struggle to find employment.

“I’m tired of feeling anxious for the next step. Tired of feeling like “we have to get through this.”

“I feel discarded and tossed to the sharks.”

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 Meerakat came into our lives  <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

“Feeling crappy about my body.”

“Since we started at this job, we haven’t had time to do much of anything we enjoy and I think that caused us to feeling a little disconnected from who we are as individuals and to some extent - a couple.”

When my coworkers gave me a goodbye card. <3

I was awarded Honorable Mention for the NSF Graduate Research Fellowship Program. 

I tipped the kayak...

Birding, naturalizing out at Otis and the morel feast we had.

“We both have different  ways of dealing with leaving and it’s causing us to clash. I’m having mild doubts but I hope it’s just in my head. I feel bad for pursuing this. I’m trying to be encouraging and show some cool things, but it doesn’t feel like it helps or makes a difference.” Here. Red flag. Past me, why didn’t you listen? Your sense of adventure was going strong.

Planting potatoes, pulling garlic mustard, and going to the Polar Bear with Nanu and Nana.  <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Feeling like I don’t fit in at home and how I shouldn’t be a part of the family. I thought we built our own little family.

“I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin and it’s affecting our relationship.” Working on this one - it’s time.

The Dune Saloon and all it’s tasty beers and whitefish-ness. 

Floatin’ down the Boise Riva!

“Peak homesickness has struck.” But we drove to Oregon and had a fan-fucking-tastic time.

“I’m so thankful he is here.”

Planning to thru the AT. - Still an ambition. Or at least a long trail. All the long trails!

2017...

When McNair sent me packages to my apartment in Boise. <3 I felt so loved.

My frustrations with the people in the department and their fuckin’ egos.

“Today was: the last day of my first year of graduate school, stressful, annoying, aggravating, distracting.” 

“I would rather do small scale projects if I was more into them. If I thought of them myself.”

Ha, my feminine product usage data. A++!

Frontier Ruckus at the Neurolux for our anniversary.

Our butterfly collection outings in the foothills and mountains.

Biking to Harris Ranch and Lucky Peak.

Sunset Mountain.

“There were lots of butterflies out and I really wanted to chase them and have fun out there, but I felt bad doing that. I feel bad being me sometimes.” -The signs of an unhealthy relationship with your advisor...or inappropriate enthusiasm. 

“I feel like I’m having an identity crisis. I’m in a heavy depression, feel guilty for bringing him out here and away from home, feel guilty because he could be doing something else. I feel so bad all of the time and it fucking sucks. I want him to be happy and then I can be happy. Fuck. I hope all of this pays off in the end...”

Going to Michigan was a disaster.

“I have an uncontrollable desire to use this feeling of unhappiness and discomfort to motivate me to finish sooner. Do my shit and get on with my life.”

The note you wrote me on our three year anniversary that made “my heart tingle.” “I love falling asleep next to you, warm and safe, and I love waking up with you by my side. I cherish everyday with you because I never knew it could be this good. You are my soulmate, you’re my one and only.” What happened to this feeling? All I ever did was love you for you and love only you. I saved every single note you ever wrote to me. They are reminders of your strong, consistent love.

All of the lizards I would see out in the desert.

“I got angry drunk. I never get angry drunk. I legitimately think that being out here and unhappy has and is changing my attitude and body chemistry.”

“I decided to drop out of graduate school. It feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.”

Sawtooths, pronghorn, Bar Garnika, and Box Lake.

“I’m fricken pumped and ready to move back.”

When we drove through a storm that was literally pouring buckets in the Subaru with everything we own. Little Meera did so well.

Backpacking PIRO. Didn’t have the romantic appeal I was going for when I proposed the idea, but still a grand time none the less.

Superior Hiking Trail with Laurel and Coops <3

2018...

“I need to find a sense of self and figure out some kind of purpose. He leaves for camp in two months and I will be here alone. I have become disconnected from me and that makes me sad.” I think this is a result of no alone time to just be in stillness, like we had before.

A note from February, “Let’s continue those traditions together. Let’s do it all together. Let’s keep climbing mountains together, let’s keep walking trails. Let’s keep swimming in lakes, let’s keep skipping rocks. Let’s keep the wonder alive. Let’s do it all together.” - somehow I feel like I have let you down. I want to do all of these things together. “The future is daunting, sometimes the path is unclear. But if we hold on tight, we’ll hold each other together. And that is what gives me strength to face the future. You and me, me and you, US TOGETHER (with little Meera). Emily, I love you with everything I’ve got. We can face whatever comes our way. We are strong, a top tier red belt power couple.” Your words. Does this still mean anything? What happened between then and now? I know your job is tough, I know how much you love freedom. I’m happy you are free now and able to experiment and figure things out. But what about all of these words and memories? Surely that can’t be erased or forgotten because of one month apart or a cute new face to talk to. 

I’m hurt, confused, lonely, surrounded by literally everything that reminds me of you and thinking about forgetting our past HURTS! I don’t want to! I want a future with you. You’re my guy and I support you through everything. Even this decision, which I totally understand. I hope you manage to figure out your thoughts and feelings.

“My head is spinning.”